no lights. no signs. i'm at a loss for words.

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"my knuckles have turned to white no turning back tonight" [19 May 2006|02:16pm]
[ mood | awake ]

we have an acoustic show tonight for a prom thing....this should be interesting. 1) because it's a prom thingy, and 2) since we haven't practiced at all for it...haha! it'll be fine though.

we almost had 2 shows tonight...that would have been scary. the prom thingy then playing at a lock in at the skate park in green bay. kinda glad we didn't get the call though since chris is sick again...he'd end up dying or something and that just wouldn't be cool AT ALL. so yeah.


[13 May 2006|03:46am]
so tomorrow is my first show with the i nervous you ask?


melody softly soaring through my atmosphere [19 Apr 2006|02:19pm]
[ mood | happy ]

ok..i'm gonna be girly for just a few minutes...i think i'm allowed...

chris is so freaking adorable that i just can't handle it. he's scared to death to see me because i "deserve better and you'll figure it out." ok, if i say i'm yours then i'm yours. i just still can't believe sometimes that someone FINALLY sees me how i deserve to be seen. he's so amazing and beautiful, but he'll never admit to it. we're both a mess...but we're picking up each other's pieces.

ok i'm done being girly for a while



i definately have his attention... [18 Apr 2006|12:10pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

"we have to lose our way to find our place" [12 Apr 2006|01:43am]
[ mood | emotional ]

you know what sucks? finding amazing people who are content with just sitting for hours outside of work talking and laughing and listening...and then listening to music in a car only to leave them in 18 days.

my goal is to tell a new friend how absolutely amazing he is before i go...because he needs to hear it, and because he is.

tonight i made it official at work that my last day will be the was sad for me and a few others, but i KNOW if i don't do this...then i will kick myself in the ass 5 years from now.

it's been such an emotional week. i have to spend time with everyone before i go...everyone.


am i someone's prayer? [06 Apr 2006|03:26pm]
so, i've been doing ok with the whole moving away thing, emotionally....until a couple of nights ago. i've been thinking a LOT about my past and -yep i'm starting to cry again- ...anyway... it's just how i feel like most of my life in the past 4 years has been for what? and for who? it wasn't for me.

4 years of pain. there were good times too, but most of them were just me smiling through how much he was hurting me everyday, but the thought ...knowing...that after chris comes and goes with me to get my stuff...i'll never ever see eric again. it rips me apart. and i don't care if he reads eric if you read this...i don't care. here, i'm throwing the mask in the trash can. you love someone for 4 years and how ever many months and days and you know that it's because of that person that you can finally understand what love really is...what 1st corinthians 13 talks about:

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love,
I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith,
so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned,
but do not have love, it profits me nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own,
is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails;

but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away;
if there are tongues, they will cease;
if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part;
but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child,
think like a child, reason like a child;
when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face;
now I know in part,
but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

4 years.....4...years...why? i can't put into words what i'm feeling right now even though i'm trying so hard...and i'm so sorry that i can't get it across to all of you.

but i just wanted to thank everyone who have been helping get through this. i know that it's not going to be overnight or even a few months before i'll be completely ok with everything.

chris (even though you prolly won't get to read this)-- you are amazing. you are my best friend and i am so happy that we're going to be in a band together again. i'm happy to know that we can have our late night/early morning ponderings together riding in a car or sitting out under the stars instead of over 2 crappy phones and through a million walls in different states. thank you for understanding and being patient with me. i love you.

kat--my sweet wonderful kat. thank you so much for the necklace..i did cry after you left. it means so much to're so beautiful and amazing and i could go on and on. thank you. i love you.

ashley--little wittle ashley...i'm glad that we found each other again, and thank you for reminding me of the ups and downs and how it's more downs than ups. you'll always be the little sister. and you'll move closer to me one day. thank you. i love you.

kate!-- HOOTCH! the drives and the smoking and sitting watching the city go by and the venting about stupid boys and painting...oh the painting. you are my escape...and now i'll be living in your home state ...except i'll be a up-per..haha! you're wonderful...don't ever EVER change. thank you. i love you.

laura-- my lovely work shelby county wanderer...thank you for always making me smile, no matter what. i'm so happy to know you. you seriously do light up my life...can't imagine how dark it would be if i never met you. stay strong. you're beautiful. thank you for listening to me rant and be silly about guys. i love you.


now, it wouldn't be a bethany post without some kind of we go.

You always said this song reminded you of what a better time to post it than now? reading over the lyrics and listening to it again...yeah you're right. it is you singing to me...every word is true. so sing it one last time for me, eric.

-Black Balloon-

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon
That was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallowed the light from the sun
Inside your room

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

And there's no time left for losin'
When you stand they fall

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder

All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go and lead you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me
---the goo goo dolls

"we were contenders now throwing a fight..." [28 Mar 2006|04:32am]
it's nights like tonight that i know when i love someone...

and i don't want to leave them.

"away, away...just fade away..." [25 Mar 2006|01:34am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i've been thinking a lot recently about my life and everything that's soon to happen...
i thought about the love i have shared, the love i have taken, the love i have given, the love that was used and he who took advantage of that love...
i thought about what my life would be like without all of the above...
i've thought about how my life could be different if i would have lived it for me instead of someone else...
i thought about what my life would be if i had taken better care of myself and loved myself as much i have loved...
what if it was all different...would i still be me or a better version of me or a worse version of me?

i'll never be able to answer this, i know...

i thought about all this, i thought about the love i have and the love i have recently lost...and i cried, but not the sobbing, uncotrolable, heaving cry...i just cried. i laid in my bed and shed tears...and finally sleep met up with me. i'm SO scared about the future, but i run with open arms over that unknown horizon...i throw my white flag in the air...i'm done.
i'm ready.
i'm willing.
he's gone.
i'm still here.
tomorrow will still come.

and the best of all....i still have love.

"i feel infinite" [24 Mar 2006|01:31am]
i've been reading "perks of being a wallflower" always seems that i read that book at the most perfect moments in my life...the times i really need it.


"somehow here is gone..." [16 Mar 2006|02:42am]
[ mood | think the entry says it ]

hi...i'm scared.


"it's not hard to fall..." [13 Mar 2006|05:38pm]
[ mood | calm ]

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes of you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind of you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...
'Til I find somebody new


tonight's the night the world begins again... [11 Mar 2006|03:59pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i'm ready for a downpour. if the skies were to just open right now and release all it's moisture to come cascading down to the earth below...i would be happy. i have this overwhelming urge to play in the rain at this moment, but it's 80 degrees and only partly cloudy.

but if i were to rain....i would run out to the street so hard that it would seem my feet weren't even touching the ground. the first puddle i would come to should be warned that i am about to pounce like a lion on her prey. i would hop, skip, and jump throwing my arms in the air and with my face to the sky scream at the top of my lungs until all the air has escaped me.

and there i would stand, face raised to the heavens...and as the dropps of grace hit my face and flow down cooling my warm and tired body...i would smile...and at that moment . . . i know.

a new day... [09 Mar 2006|05:29pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

AND FREAKING AWESOME NEW HAIR CUT!!! i'll post pictures after it gets the color done stay tuned!


arkansas is not a fun state [22 Feb 2006|01:45pm]
[ mood | tired but happy ]

6 hours of sleep and 5 hours on the road and i am now sitting in spanish class with matty.

...and it's fun!


"his name will be william sebastian holmes" [18 Feb 2006|08:48pm]
[ mood | cold ]

it's been a while i know, but things are ok. biggest news is i'm going to see my friend matty for his birthday in springfield, mo. i'm so very excited about that!!! i'm sure i'll have pictures of fun times and i'll post them (hopefully).

but kat and i are sitting in our apartment quite bored (or at least i am..) so i'll post pictures from the ice today...


[16 Jan 2006|12:31am]

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Bethany!

  1. Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by Bethany.
  2. The colour of Bethany is no indication of her spiciness, but size usually is!
  3. Bethany is 984 feet tall.
  4. Influenza got its name because people believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of Bethany!
  5. Bethany is picked, sorted and packed entirely in the field!
  6. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armour raised their visors to reveal Bethany.
  7. Bethany has little need for water and is capable of going for months without drinking at all!
  8. Over 46,000 pieces of Bethany float on every square mile of ocean.
  9. Bethany does not have toes.
  10. Bethany can live for up to a week without a head!
I am interested in - do tell me about

#3 [11 Jan 2006|02:21am]
[ mood | scared, but not ]

please, God, not another nightmare...let me sleep in peace.

we are the ones [07 Jan 2006|10:39pm]
This time it's all here
You felt so long ago
And what can you do about it?
Stop your crying
And what will he ask you?
Now that it's over with
But behind that face there's only hope, in you
In you

Do you have to feel this way?
Cause you never stay the same
Do you notice how you change when you believe?

Your just like I said before
Behind that face of yours
You hide so far away from everything that's right
I'm so glad your honest
But your life is such a mess
And I know inside of you there's hope, you'll find it
You'll find it

Do you have to feel this way?
Cause you never stay the same
Do you notice how you change when you believe?
Do you search but never find?
Cause this happens all the time
And do you notice how you change when you believe?

This life is all we are
So prepare your lonely heart
And you know it's all you have so breathe in
So say you're sorry now
This pain you won't allow
And you know it's all you have to do now

the picture tells everything right now. [06 Jan 2006|01:40pm]
[ mood | i don't know ]

Image hosted by

there's a shadow of what i should become...but how do i see it?


my cuzzie... [22 Dec 2005|12:57am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

A: werd to big bird
A: which i have no idea what species that big ole hootnanny was
A: doesnt even look like a bird really
A: more like an alien
(my cousin ladies and gents...coolest guy in the world)

i've been thinking a lot on what it would be like to move back here to nc...and i have 2 people who would just about make it worth it:
Image hosted by
that's right...kevin bacon and justin connell.

these 2 found out that my grandmother had died and came to the funeral just to support me...yes it made me cry more...but i love those guys so

ASHLEY got to steal my kisses from you! what would i do without you? you would be reason enough as well to come back!!!

also tonight i had a conversation with a girl that i haven't talked to in a very long while. this girl always looked up to me and loved me so much...i apparently was more influential than i thought i was:
chick: i got my first tat...
me: frickin a! what is it?
chick: it was inspired by you is a celtic cross....with your star in the middle
her smiles a lie: whoa...

i couldn't believe it. i just wonder sometimes if i'll ever be like i was so many years ago...just pulling people under my wings and saying, "it'll be alright...if i can make it through i know you can!" and teaching and loving and so much grace.

my grandmother was such a grace giver. people at the funeral just kept saying that...talking about her smile and her warmth and her grace. i want to be that. i want her to live on through me in that aspect.

all this pulling back to...should i come back to here? i've dealt with this question for so long...i want to be closer to my daddy and these friends and maybe even make amends with someone who i've hated for so long and help out youth again...and....but...i just wish all of this wasn't here. i wish it was in memphis. i know i wouldn't feel alone and how i have been lately if i where here...but why does it have to be here?


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